The origins of the cursed, twisted, insane, and throughly Malkavian (yes, I am the judge of that) item is quite simple, normal, and unfictional. It's a quick and easy way to air my gripes and any nasty little items that may come up in my twisted little brain without much hassle and work. So NYAAAAAAA!!!The so-called Bag of Unpleasantness (Big only added for effect) is one of those large, semi-sentient, wyrm-driven, objects of pure nastiness (think that orb/narrator from Heavy Metal) that likes to travel the World/Umbra/Shadowlands collecting equally nasty and evil objects, examining them, mating with them, arguing with them, and finally dropping them off somewhere completely different where they will cause the most damage. Now that we have agenda covered, lets get down to appearance. Although being a thing of pure nastiness and it is law that those types of things always possess the ability to change shape (cold, pricklies like the Tzimisce for example), the bag tends to remain pretty standard in its outward appearance. More often than not, it appears as a large( 3' x 3' x 3'), dusty, rotten, purse/handbag/satchel with a row of large nasty fangs on the top and only opening. Its contents vary from time to time but its not above taking on passengers, though it would be incredibly unlikely that they'd survive the trip. If any player would have a Storyteller evil, cruel or fed up enough to exile his character to the demon bag the character would find that the bag has a nearly infinite area inside (seriously, who saw that one coming) and is laced with a green, slimy mold. Some of the more irritating contents that the bag may be especially fond of are:
- 4-12 Souleaters in natural corrupted wyldling form (appear like screaming, swirling blobs)
- A can labeled "Apocalypse in a Can" that it loves to leave in places that the curious, simple-minded or "bad insane" will find it. (Maybe its Gehenna, maybe its mislabeled canned peaches, maybe its both, and what about provisos about opening it, ST discretion).
- The Wyrm himself (Ssssssssshhhhhhhhh, I won't tell the Lupies (no typo) if you don't).
- A whole section of impossible things there just to drive characters insane.
- A complete copy of the Book of Nod with index and helpful "Lie detectors guide" (This may or may not fall under #4).
- The book "Why Vampires can't Fly" with such wonderful excerpts as "Even if it is possible it can't be allowed, the Malkavians would learn it, master it and start embracing monkeys and reindeer by the hundreds."
- The tome of forgotten Malkavian lore known only as "Dr. Bill's Guide to Attaining Lunacy."
- Many important, missing documents such as case-making confessions, The Giovanni World Plan Exposed, and A letter written by a certain neonate Toreador to his Justicar confessing on the capital crime of ghouling and dishing to one Anne Rice.
- The one true Bouncy Fun Ball (If you don't know, don't ask).
- Jimmy Hoffa (yeah he's still alive; he's pretty mad though).
- An Alien (A real one).
- A pretty young girl with a big, moon-shaped birthmark.
- 3 Marauders.
- The worlds largest ball of used cotton swabs.
- 7 tons of 14 karat gold lint.
Though these things are most likely to be in the Bag, an item on this list may be omitted or changed to protect the innocent. If you think you're better than me and don't need plot devices, fine! I didn't need ya anyway. Good hunting.