By Mrs. Badger (hercubadger@yahoo.com)
The Lord did see and then He did gasp at the sight He had seen just when He had looked at that moment before when He did gasp just now. "Oh why," did the Lord exclaim with vast reserves of noise due to His most holy lungs. "Oh why, why has such a crime been committed in My Garden?" The Lord did stand before the still and bloody body of His child Abel and He was not amused. "Who has committed this crime before My own gaze?" Asked the Lord with a hint of steel in His voice and the very real evidence of a sharp stick in His hands.
"Fair cop governor, it was I. I did the blag," uttered a pride-filled voice unrepentant.
"My child Caine, why have you forsaken My just rule and thus commit this crime before Me?" Asked the Lord as He turned His immense gaze towards Caine, the son of Adam born from the womb of Eve.
"He needed killing my Lord," answered Caine hastily without consulting his brain for what would be a better thing to say.
The rage of the Lord was mighty and filled with words and utterances capable of blanching colour from the world He had created not long before last weekend. The Lord did pace before the still unrepentant Caine and then pace some more as He considered punishment for the sole remaining son of Adam, born from the womb of Eve.
"Caine," said the Lord as at last He had decided upon a suitable punishment. "Caine, I banish thee from this garden I have named the Garden of Hedon. You have fallen from My grace through the murder of your brother named Abel, son of Adam born from the womb of Eve. I banish you forthwith from My sight. As the sun does cross the sky I shall deny you the width of My creation the Earth. When the sky is dark only then shall you arise to remember your crimes before Me. Your children will carry your curse with them from here on in as a reminder to you as to your crimes. Your children will be weaker than you, your children's children will be weaker than they and so on and so on. Each generation shall become weaker and more feeble minded1 as a reminder to you of what has occurred here today. The children of Adam and Eve shall populate My creation to all its boundaries. Your children shall watch only from the chill of the abyss in envy and remembrance."
Caine did look fully upon the face of the Lord and saw no sign of this being a mighty jape. Unrepentant of his actions Caine was banished from the sight of the Lord. The Lord did look one final time more at His fallen child. As the Lord lowered his gaze from the fallen murder Caine felt his head split open in agony. Upon Caine's forehead he did discover the shape of an 'L' scared into the flesh so deep it would never truly heal without the Lord's forgiveness.
"Begone from here and never appear before My sight till I call for thee," uttered the Lord, "and get a hair cut."2
1Scholars previously believed this statement to be a prediction concerning the loss of power with each generation of Vampire. It has since been retranslated to actually refer to the more Mortal phenomenon where in teenagers become more whine spoken and shallow with each new generation.
2For reasons unknown this final statement of God was removed from the final draft before publication. It was not until the 'Editors Cut' was released to celebrate the birth of His son was the omittance finally discovered.
The son of the Lord, Jesus was born at the time the modern calender was established. A fact most convenient for all future comparisons. After falling a foul to the establishment for his free thinking and low-priced wooden goods the son of the Lord was executed by some greasy-looking bloke in a skirt3.
The following consists of a newspaper report published around the time of the execution.
"The supposed son of the Lord, Jesus, was executed today after refusing to adapt a more realistic pricing schedule for his carpentry. The executed was last seen suspended from a wooden cross, long flowing hair draped still across his shoulders.
3A matter of note concerning the crucifixion. Accurately foreshadowing the future of the Roman Empire and its inhabitants 120 Roman soldiers attempted to surrender to Jesus at the first sign of spilt blood. After no one would accept their surrender the embarrassed soldiers picked up their weapons and sulked off into a corner.
The descendants of Caine were not absent during the coming of Jesus and his eventual execution. A particular (or peculiar, depending on whether you're looking in or out) sect led by a trio of seer-like Malkavians believed the coming of Jesus was the sign of Caine's forgiveness, that their curse was to be lifted and they would be returned to the sight of the Lord. No such change in life status occurred and thus was this sect demoralised and destroyed. After not returning his membership form a lesser brother of this sect received a copy of the Book of Nodding: Editors Cut. Angry at the lapse in concentration that was going to cost him a goat and three small fowels the lesser brother decided he might as well read the book since he was paying for it. What was found within, when combined with the recent execution, was shocking and lead to a revitalization of the sect.
The sect discovered, in their opinion, that Caine had not been cursed for the murder of Abel but was in fact thrown from the sight of the Lord due to having long hair! This fact was reinforced by the disregard the Lord had shown to his own son by allowing Jesus to be executed like a common criminal. The reason for this, the sect decided, was because Jesus had allowed his hair to grow in length, as observed by the newspaper reporter, and thus had broken one of the Lord's strictures. The whole resurrection thing was lost to this sect who were too busy formulating theories to listen to current events.
With fevered fingers the sect looked outward to other Vampires in search of evidence to support their discoveries. Year upon year passed as the sect worked in secret to substantiate their theory. At a gathering held in what was to be called France over 500 years later the theories were offered to the group as a whole.
Caine had been thrown into the abyss of shame because of having long hair and thus was Jesus lost to the world as well. Thus was Caine cursed and through him all of his descendants. The sect offered as theory that through the observance of short hair would their savour be held. Long haired Mortals and Vampires alike were shunned and hunted into what would have been extinction if the hunters somewhat (bewildered and disorganised) had been numbered in at least the millions (rather than the tens) and the hunted had been numbered in the hundreds (rather than in the millions). So in actuality there was never any real fear of extinction but you've got to admit it sounds exciting even if inaccurate.
Other Vampires were not blind to the actions of the obsessed Sect but were powerless to completely stamp out its existence. When Mortal opposition began to firm the sect was forced underground. From that point the sect seemed to almost vanish but alas such was not the case. The Cainite Hairesy was merely gathering strength.4 The sect next appeared during the Dark Ages where in a fortress of knights was accused to be trucking with heresy. The Knights Templar, as they were known, had been a force for noble action before that time and as such had accumulated vast wealth and power by their deeds. Now the Inquisition was actively seeking a meeting with the Knights for their name had been linked with that of a Demon, a demon named Baphomet5. While the cries of demon worship were incorrect the Knights Templar were involved with the supernatural.
The Knights were a source of arms and stability for the Hairesy who had learnt the wisdom of concealment. The Hairesy had gathered strength and numbers since their abortive attempt at gaining power. It had before then been a given fact that Vampires were powerless not to resume their death form at the start of each evening. In that manner even the most pious of Vampires would be forced to be reminded of their heathen long-haired days at the start of each evening if they had the misfortune to have died before getting a hair cut. In the past 800 years the sect had not been idle. A ritual had been discovered which allowed even Vampire to get a Hair Cut and remain one of the holy ones. For the ritual to be performed the Vampire suitable must first have led a most pious and exacting life. For some the process occurs quickly but for others the passing of time before being suitable for the ritual may take hundreds of years. Failure came easy and success was mostly only dreamed off.
The ritual itself, and also the name given to the life of those who existed literally under it, was known as Bowlconda. In essence the pious Vampire prayed to the Lord for forgiveness and bled into a small bowl from his own flesh. At rituals end the bowl was placed upside down on the applicant Vampire's head and then a ceremonial sword7 was used to cut any hair exposed underneath the rim of the bowl. If performed correctly the ritual meant the hair cut given at that time would last till eternity -- or the Vampire's loss of grace.
Time had not watered down the Hairesy's hatred of those they called "the Fallen." The Fallen were those who sported outrageously long hair and also, surprisingly, those who were bald. In the eyes of the Hairesy baldness was a sure sign from the Lord that the member of the Fallen was unfit to even have hair let alone be trusted to keep it short. To be bald was to surrender one's soul and thus be forever absent from the Lord's forgiveness. Any one can be bald, only the pious can have sporting short hair cuts.
As such women were given a special place in the eyes of the Hairesy. Women, though many acquire long hair and thus descend into the ranks of the Fallen, never go bald. Thus Caine, who committed the first murder, who was male has passed on the mark of potential baldness upon all following males while the female is immune to this particular curse. Female leaders of the Hairesy, who all have suitably short hair cuts, are seen to be holding back the waves of the bald and the long-haired by their very virtue. The image of wall against the surf has held and the title women leaders of the Hairesy have maintained to this day is 'Dyke.'
The Knights Templar fell due to their connection with the Hairesy at the hands of the Inquisition. The Hairesy were forced underground once more but were not discouraged.
4An offshoot of the Hairesy was known as the Hairarsey where in it was believed complete wisdom could only come from having an overly hairy bottom. Known as "the Dags" this sect was wiped out internally once it was realised just what kinf od 'crap' they were preaching.
5Baphomet is actually a mistranslation of the word 'Bob-Hop-Met' which went used in the correct context and derivation of the time means "Bob hopped off to the pub and met this bloke." In all times, ancient and modern, a pub has been the nexus of wisdom, myth and rumour. The Oracle at Delphi, supposedly the wisdom of Apollo of myth, was actually the "Delphi Outback Bar and Grill" where Apanio was the gnarled and knowledgeable bartender who worked the night shift. All adventurers know that to get the best hints and rumours6 you go to the pub and buy a few drinks.
6Also known as GM's handouts.
7Reminiscent of the sword which wounded Jesus. Some scholars claim the Roman soldier was either attempting to surrender or was attempting to give Jesus the hair cut he desperately needed and slipped.
The Hairesy claim their vision of forgiveness is correct. They hold many examples throughout history showing that what they believe is proven by the will of God. It is a function of warfare that a grand majority of the victors are the ones with the shortest hair cuts. The Romans versus the barbarians8, the English versus the Scots, the Americans versus the Indians, the British versus the Italians, and in Vietnam might met might with short hair cuts a piece thus a nil all draw9. The Cainite Hairesy exists to this day so beware all those with girly long hair.
8 Of course the Roman's lost the holy protection of their short hair cuts once they began a policy of bottom touching. Even God disapproves of an up hill gardener.
9Examples sourced from Red Dwarf, a damn fine television show.