By Jared A Sorensen (spike@mainelink.net) (10 October 1995)
A little-seen kith who pretty much do nothing except eat smurfberries, sing moronic songs and generally act cheery. The Unseelie, or Gothic Smurfs, are a moody lot who wear black and smoke smurfberry-vine cigarettes. The Smurfs dwell in a private freehold known as the Smurf Village, a glenn of small albeit tastefully decorated cottages made from large, hollowed-out mushrooms. For some reason, the Smurfs have a male to female of 100:1. Nobody knows why...maybe that's why they're blue?
Appearance: C'mon, folks...they're blue, they're bald they're 3 apples high (to our neighbors across the pond, I'm not sure what that equals in the metric system, sorry). Smurfs dress in white pants, shoes and a goofy-looking white hat which vaguely resembles a condom. Some Smurfs alter their dress to suit their individual tastes (Greedy Smurf wore a baker's hat, for example). For the most part, all Smurfs are identical to each other and are all male.
Seemings: Childling Smurfs are rare (once in a blue moon) and thus most Smurfs are Wilders. Don't ask me why...create an alt.whitewolf.smurfs newsgroup and figure it out for yourselves.
Wilder Smurfs struggle for identity amongst their peers and often exhibit a special skill or idiosyncrasy (a penchant for pranking, high intelligence or the overwhelming urge to post innane white wolf spoofs on...ahem, nevermind).
As of yet, there is but one Grump Smurf...Papa. He rules his charges with an iron hand and is adept in spellcasting and alchemy. Papa Smurf is the father-figure/dictator of the Smurfs and is well-respected.
Lifestyles: Smurfs enjoy eating smurfberries and distilling the juice into strong, alcoholic beverages. They live in a communal environment where they can pursue their private pasttimes and hobbies, as well as involve themselves in weekly adventures, usually involving the banality-infested git named Gargamel and his hideous cat.
Affinity: Nature
Screw with the Humans Minds!: All Smurfs possess the inherent ability to hide in bushes, under rocks, etc. and generally mess with the direction sense/perception of the poor saps bent on hunting down their base of operations and turning them into gold, kebab meat or over-expensive, faddish gift-shop trinkets. No Smurf may be followed to his home without his knowledge/permission. No Smurf may ever botch a Stealth roll.
Furry Friends: Smurfs also possess the ability to befriend any animal (except cats and other felines). Smurfs cannot botch Animal Ken rolls.
Annoying Quirk: All Smurfs have an annoying quirk. This can be the habit of grunting yes in answer to a question or a gentleness toward animals (d'oh!). Most Quirks are directly involved with the Smurf's profession in the village (carpenter, painter, LARP coordinator) or notable virtue/flaw (strength, laziness, greed). Although many scholars speculate that this quirkiness stems from the Smurf's lack of identity, others maintain that, given the ratio of males to females, the poor guys have to keep busy somehow.
Marketability: When an adult human sees a Smurf, the human's initial reaction is to try and make money off the little blue bastard somehow, be it by transmuting him into gold, skewering and slow-roasting him at an SCA event or simply by selling his likeness at gift shops. To avoid turning into a greedy, oppurtunistic heathen, the human must roll Willpower with a difficulty of his or her Banality (note: Disney execs automatically have a difficulty of 10 to this roll).
Boggans: "Dunno...one was smurfing off about nine fingers and some stupid ring. Personally, if I had nine fingers, I'd be happy 'cause we only have 8."
Eshu: "Geundzunheit."
Nockers: "Smurfin' A! We think these red-nosed cretins are responsible for that whole Smurf-into-Gold routine that the Humans are so damn fond of."
Pooka: "Pooka? I dunno, sounds like some obscene euphamism."
Redcaps: "They look like they stepped off an Iron Maiden album" (from a distance..."hehehe...'maiden's cool...huhuh huhhuh...yeah, cool.")
Satyrs: "They keep crashing our parties and drinking all of our smurfberry juice. One of them even ate Brainy's house...started muttering something about 'the colors, man...lookit all the colors...'"
Sidhe: "Okay, wait a smurfing second...what is it? Sid-hee? Shay? Shee? We're not too keen on those silent letters..."
Sluagh: "Wednesday Addams wanna-bes."
Trolls: "The little naked dudes with the smurfed-up neon hair? We love them like brothers..."